To Hell with Words
by MoonfrostDragon
Summary: Kanda rubbed his forehead and sighed. He had the nasty feeling that this conversation wasn't over. Allen was like a bloodhound on a trail sometimes and he wouldn't stop until he got his answers- one way or another. In their world of fight or die, actions speak louder than words sometimes.
1. Chapter 1: Set in Motion

_**AN: I don't own DGM  
><strong>__**This is my first time writing for this fandom, so hopefully I do it justice. Self-beta'd, hopefully I got most of the errors.**_

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><p>When the summons from Komui came, the entire Order cringed away from the two Exorcists regarding one another from outside of his office. Allen Walker and Yu Kanda were eyeing one another from three feet apart, and no one could really tell what was going through either Exorcist's mind. Allen was inwardly amused by the collective tension he could feel emanating from the rest of the Order, and Kanda was simply sighing; glad for a reason to get out of the Order. If people were to actually pay attention to their arguments, they'd realize that it wasn't out of spite or hate that they argued, more like a bantering of friendship. They weren't really trying to kill one another, no, they were using the fighting like others would use a card game- friendly competition. Lavi was the exception to the friendliness, at least he was when he started prodding at either of their prides.<p>

Within an hour, the two had left the Order and the remaining inhabitants all had heaved a collective sigh of relief, and worry for whatever place they had been sent. Lavi had ended up running to his room, laughing uncontrollably, when he had overheard someone saying that only one of the pair would likely be coming back because the other would have killed them. _If only they really knew the truth about those two, they'd be a lot less worried and a lot more confused, I think. _The junior Bookman chortled to himself, slamming his door shut. For the longest time afterwards, everyone who passed by Lavi's dorm had to pause to stare at the door- it wasn't normal for the Exorcist to be laughing like a _total_ madman, or while locked in his room.

Meanwhile Allen and Kanda, once out of sight of the Order, had relaxed slightly. It got tiresome, the entire Order tensing up whenever the two of them were in the same room. The dining hall was the most stressing, since almost everyone was in the same place with little room left for them to flee if tables started flying. Kanda could understand wanting to run away from them when they did push each other too far and snapped. But as for the rest, it was like everyone expected blood to fly if he so much as walked passed Allen in the hallway. Allen, for his part, had relaxed considerably more than his ever-frowning companion. A glance at the swordsman showed that he was, indeed, still frowning, but the stress lines between his eyebrows were gone and; Allen was a little surprised to notice, Kanda didn't have his eyes narrowed into the glare that was basically assumed to be glued to his face.

"What are you staring at?" Allen was startled out of his thoughts by the low voice of the Exorcist walking slightly in front of him. Kanda had half-turned his head to favor his silver-haired companion with a bemused expression. You had to really know the man to be able to pick out the differing expressions of the swordsman, he had never really been expressive with anything other than anger.

"Nothing that you'd care about." Allen shot back, jerking his head to stare straight ahead, scowling with irritation at himself for getting caught. He heard a soft snort and a shifting of cloth from beside him, and glowered harder. "Why ask, anyway?" He muttered back, refusing to look at Kanda. An irritated huff was his answer, and he almost sighed in relief. He had figured that Kanda wouldn't want to keep prodding; he never was the sort to care.

They walked in silence, meeting up with their Finder just before taking the now routine manner of boarding trains- which meant jumping onto a moving train from either a bridge or a building. Allen stretched slightly, once inside and out of the roar of wind generated by a train moving God only knew how fast. The two Exorcists stood in silence while their Finder spoke with the startled worker, before they were all escorted to the usual seat in first class.

There, Allen and Kanda both read through their briefing folders in silence, Allen having given up on starting a conversation with Kanda after the Ghost of Martel incident a while ago. He still got annoyed just thinking about how Kanda had acted the entire time, even if he had barely known the man then. He rolled his eyes, more to himself than anything, as he sorted through the unnecessary information to find the parts that were important. Like what rumor had sent the Finders there, and what truth now rang strong enough to summon the Exorcists out there.

"This seems like it should be fairly easy. I don't see why they sent both of us. Just _you_ would be enough to deal with this." Kanda growled out, crossing his legs and tossing his folder to the seat next to him. Allen's eyebrow twitched at the implied slight- that Kanda was too good of an Exorcist to be on this mission, and instead glowered out the window. He could see the reflection of their Finder, who was slowly edging away. That put an even darker glower on his face. He wanted this mission done with already.

"Maybe you should do it yourself then." He growled back, not even looking at the black-haired man to see his reaction. Allen never thought of himself as someone with a short temper, but interacting with Kanda Yu always seemed to bring out the worst in him. He wasn't even this waspish around _Lavi _and that was one person who could make anyone angry with the slightest effort.

"Perhaps. Then I won't need to worry about the mess an amateur makes." Kanda scoffed back, closing his eyes and resting his head against the seatback. He made a soft sound of amusement when he heard the compartment door open and close almost silently. That Finder had lasted a lot longer than Kanda had thought the man would. It seemed as though their warring dispositions were becoming almost legendary with anyone and everyone associated with the Order. That was almost enough to wring a smile from the swordsman.

"Yeah, because you're so freakin' great." Kanda's dark cobalt eyes napped open and he leveled a look at Allen, one that would have had anyone else backing up as fast as they could. Allen's silver-gray eyes stared back just as angrily. "Face it, King of the Stuck Up. The world doesn't revolve around you and what you want." Allen inwardly cowered at the pure anger that rose to life in Kanda's eyes, the frown becoming much more deadly in intensity.

"And, pray tell me, what do you; the _great_ Allen Walker, know about what I want?" Kanda's voice was soft, almost friendly. And so much more terrifying than if he had started yelling as was the usual. "You think you know everything? Well, here's something new for you. You don't know fucking everything. I don't want anything to do with the goddamn Order and their stupid mission!" Kanda turned away, arms crossing tightly over his chest, an annoyed snarl bubbling from his throat and out through clenched teeth. "Shut up." He added helpfully, glaring violently as Allen opened his mouth again. "It's not something I'm ever going to tell anyone." Allen closed his mouth and turned away, eyes downcast. He had pushed the other man too far, and further away. He hadn't been trying to, but he appeared to have found a nerve. Allen sighed, running a hand through his hair, thinking ruefully that maybe he could never really be friends with Kanda. Something just rubbed the wrong way. A quick glance showed Kanda staring out the window with the expression of someone lost in thoughts, so far from being where his body was. Allen blinked, eyebrows drawing together as he noticed the almost sad twist to the other's lips that were pressed into a thin line. _Ah, Allen… you should have just shut up before._

Allen didn't try starting a conversation with Kanda for the entire rest of the train ride. Kanda felt a slight sense of worry, usually Allen would bounce back a few hours later, but this time he seemed to had lapsed into an awkwardly abnormal silence. The few times their eyes met, Allen would look away immediately, a murmured 'sorry' before he would turn his head and close his eyes. The younger had finally dozed off after a while, and Kanda was almost relieved. He wasn't sure why he was so bothered with the other's silence, usually this is what he internally wished would happen. But this just felt wrong. Maybe he had been harsher than he'd needed to be earlier, but the memories that Allen had unintentionally brought up were the worst of Kanda's entire life- and the entire reason for his life. He wanted to forget, he wanted to remember, he just wished all the pain would fade away into nothingness. But the lotus flowers still taunted him in his sleep, spurred him to keep hunting for that one; he had vowed he'd never die until he found him. He had a lot he wanted to say, but knew he'd never get the words out; but he had to try. Kanda jerked his thoughts from his memories with a silent snarl, angrily dragging a hand across his eyes. His skin came away cold and damp, and he thanked whatever luck he had that Allen was sound asleep now. He never wanted anyone to see him cry, it was weakness pure and simple. He hadn't cried in _years_… and to think that he should almost do so now, at the prodding of Allen Walker? It made no sense, Allen had nothing to do with the past and he knew nothing of it. Kanda drew in a long, shaky breath before closing his eyes and concentrated on nothing but the slow in and out of his breathing. He needed to clear his mind, or he really would be unfit for this stupid mission. He didn't catch the wide eyes regarding him from the other bench with shock and a slight sense of pity. Allen stared at the ceiling, wondering what on earth could be capable of making _Kanda_ shed tears.

Neither Exorcist said a word when they disembarked the train, other than to ask the Finder to lead on. They both just wanted to go home, but knew that the path home would take longer than the three days it had taken them to get out there. They would take a different way home, since the recovery of any Innocence they found would lead to a fight with the Akuma, and Allen had the unfortunate habit of attracting the Millennium Earl to every place he went- and that was not something they wanted to clue in to where they lived. So, they followed behind the Finder in silence, minds turned to the battle they would inevitably fight and what to do in various situations.

It wasn't long before they reached the town in question, the sheer business of it had Kanda glowering again. Or maybe it was just all the stares they were getting, being dressed in black and silver. It was probably that, Allen's silver-white hair, and the fact that Kanda was openly carrying a sword strapped to his hip. Once or twice, Allen heard an excited gasp of 'exorcists!' and would cringe, the worst place to get attacked was in a crowded area. No room to maneuver, so many innocent people would die… so many blind spots for Akuma to exploit. He felt his features settling into a tense, determined look. This would end as quickly as he could manage, and he would protect as many as he could- even if that meant another standoff with Kanda; who would back down in the end. He wasn't as cold as he wanted everyone to think. Allen had seen under that armor to the man beneath, and he found that he rather liked what he had seen there. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone, and generally denied it to himself. One did not simply like Kanda Yuu.

It wasn't a day later that they were found, locked into the battle for their lives with Akuma on every side; Finders scurrying for cover where they could get it and trying not to get killed or get in the way. Allen had lost track of how many of the machine-monsters he had destroyed, and lost count of the number of times he had been slammed into walls, the ground, and clear _through_ walls. Kanda wasn't fairing much better, his hair tie had been torn out at some point and his arm was bleeding badly enough to leave little trails of blood on the stone around him, the sleeve of his coat torn clean off. He was fighting with a set expression, lips curled back into a snarl as he sidestepped the newest assault. Allen envied the grace with which the other fought, each movement precise- Kanda almost looked as though he were dancing amid the hail of bullets and flying chunks of stone. Allen wrenched his thoughts back to their enemies, he could draw up similarities later, after the Akuma were dead and everyone else alive with the Innocence found. A quick glance showed the Finders protecting it still inside the barrier, and the others well hidden; not like the Akuma would be looking for them when they had two Exorcists in their sights. Allen grinned, this would end soon enough, he mused as he punched through another of the floating cannon-adorned creatures to leave a small explosion behind.

"Finally…." Allen sighed, as the last of the Akuma ended its pitiful second life in a blast of sound and dust before fading away to a silence that sounded louder than the gunfire had. Allen slowly slid down the half-destroyed wall behind him, coming to a weary rest on the rubble-strewn ground. Kanda dropped to the ground near him, Mugen resting on the ground between them, receding from gleaming Innocence to cold metal as it went back to sleep; all work done.

"It's all over." Kanda agreed, voice weary as he inspected his wounded arm, a soft sound of distaste slipping form him as he glared at the gash running down his upper arm; it was caked with dirt and rock dust from the fight.

"How bad are you hurt?" Allen asked, struggling to sit up. He leaned over the other, trying to get a good look at his arm, only to be gently elbowed back.

"It'll heal by tonight." Kanda retorted, sourly using his good hand to sweep his hair from his eyes. Allen chuckled at that, shaking his head when Kanda turned to stare at him. "What's so funny, moyashi?" Kanda growled, not sounding remotely angry.

"You are." Allen replied, shaking his head (at the stupid name that Kanda used in lieu of his real one) and falling back against the cold stone. "We're alive." He added, almost an afterthought.

"We are." Kanda agreed, tilting his head to eye the stars sparkling from beyond the light cloud cover, the calls of the team of Finders soft behind them. The two Exorcists drifted, halfway asleep, while the Finders searched for them; locating them fairly fast. Kanda staggered to his feet after slapping away the hands that reached down to help him, prodding Allen awake with his foot. "Oi. Time to get up and find a place to sleep. Then we can go home." _Home._ Kanda mused to himself. _When did that place become 'home' to me?_

Their small group staggered its way into town, ignored the odd looks residents were giving them, and into the place they had been staying. Once inside, the Finder whom had come with them from the Order half dragged Allen to the room he was sharing with Kanda, said other silently looping Allen's other arm over his shoulder and taking most of his companion's weight himself- the boy had passed out at some point on the walk back. Kanda wasn't feeling too great himself, he had trouble walking in a straight line and his vision would wobble every now and then, proof that the fight had been more than either had been prepared for. It was a wonder that they had managed to survive at all, let alone with as few serious wounds as they had- though they were covered in scrapes, scratches, and bruises. So went the life of an Exorcist.


	2. Chapter 2: Beat Around the Bush

**Still don't own DGM, much as I'm sure we all want to. **

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><p>"I've hated you since the moment I met you, moyashi." Kanda hissed, closing his eyes even as he turned away, jerking his coat off and throwing it across the bed he claimed. Kanda just wanted to go home, now that this mission was over and done with; Innocence safely in their packs. They had at least a week of traveling before they got back to the Order and the fighting was enough that their Finder had actually vacated the room, though he didn't go far enough to lose them.<p>

"Then why do you keep letting me in?" Allen shot back, choosing to ignore the slight in favor of looking at the myriad of cuts, scrapes, and bruises on his normal arm; lingering reminders of their mission. "I don't think you mean 'hate' like the rest of humanity does, baKanda." The silver haired exorcist swallowed a grin at the sudden twitch of the swordsman's shoulders. He knew the other detested that name, probably more than he hated being called 'moyashi'. All was fair in war. Allen divested himself of his coat in a more controlled manner than his ill-tempered teammate, folding it neatly at the end of his bed.

"I mean hate as in I would love nothing more than to kick you in the face." Kanda growled, turning his back on the other. He wobbled on one leg, swiftly pulling his boot laces undone before switching legs and then kicking them off. They hit the floor with muffled thumps, and Kanda sighed quietly. He could just _feel_ the migraine on its way. Talking to Allen Walker always left him tense, angry, and ready to break something. Pity Lavi wasn't there for him to chase down.

"I find it funny that you, of all people, can even say 'love' without choking on it." Allen chuckled, sitting on the slightly uncomfortable mattress to untie his own boots, shooting at glance through his hair to see what Kanda was doing. The other was glaring over his shoulder at him, much as Allen had suspected.

"Tch." Kanda sniffed, pulling his hair tie loose in one quick motion and letting his blue-black hair fall from the high ponytail it was normally kept in, hissing softly when his shoulder protested angrily- the deep muscle bruise there refusing to heal quickly. He could always force it to, but that would just tire him faster and make him even more irritable. Something he couldn't really afford to be right now.

Allen paused in the middle of yanking off his shirt, struck again by the irony that someone as nasty, pessimistic, and outright unpleasant as Kanda could have hair that pretty. Allen often wondered why the other wore his hair so long, he was not the kind who took to luxury; preferring to keep things quick and easy to take care of. Having hair that long, for it easily reached mid-back on him, could hardly be easy to care for.

"Besides, if you 'hate' me so much, why haven't you actually tried to do more than shouting matches? I don't think you've ever actually hit me with the intent to actually cause harm." Allen muttered, more to himself than anything, as he pulled on a tank top to sleep in. He wasn't expecting a response from the other and he didn't receive one, at least not right away.

"Komui would probably kill me." Kanda remarked drolly. "With you being Cross' apprentice and Hevlaska's prophecy and all that crap- and you're forgetting. I tried to kill you the day I met you." Allen raised an eyebrow at the other, who chose to pointedly ignore him in favor of pulling a brush through his hair, before twisting it into a low ponytail. Allen made a small face of amusement, he had never seen Kanda's bedtime ritual before- having never shared a room with him before, so this was all rather entertaining. At least it was until he realized that Kanda was glaring at him, belligerent expression back on his face in full force. "What."

"Just wondering why you have long hair when you hate to be bothered by anything." Allen shrugged, thankful for Cross' 'schooling' (for once). It enabled him to be a master at poker, and very good at hiding what he was actually feeling. Kanda wasn't one to look under the initial expression, so he probably wouldn't catch the curiosity that the vaguely disinterested face was hiding. And the accusation that was dancing on his tongue, wanting to be let loose- Kanda had dodged the question.

"I like it." Kanda answered Allen's newest question and turned his back on the other. Allen's silver eyes widened slightly in surprise of getting a response, and one that was actually revealing something about the other exorcist- instead of the usual crap Kanda tossed out to keep everyone at a distance with his ill temper. Allen watched as Kanda carefully loosened the belt that held Mugen's sheath, sliding the sword loose and dropping it lightly to the mattress; the belt clattering loudly onto a chair. Allen bemusedly shook his head, he found it ironic that the only things Kanda was ever gentle around were a killing weapon and Lenalee.

Allen tossed his clothes onto the other chair in the room, flopping back onto his chosen bed to stare contemplatively at the ceiling. There was a dynamic he couldn't figure out entirely. Kanda and Lenalee. How did that even work? He'd always assumed that Kanda was only a semblance of friendly to her because she was Komui's sister and no one wanted to prod at that particular part of the chief's awkward personality. Kanda always treated Komui with a cold sort of grudging respect; and fear whenever Komui was in one of _those_ moods, moods that always ended up almost destroying their home with the results. _But_, Allen wondered idly, _was there more to it than just that?_ Kanda wasn't as rough with any of the girls they worked with, and when they had to fight against a woman… he always looked a lot more annoyed than usual. Maybe the man did have morals, afterall.

A soft click drew Allen's attention from his wandering thoughts and across the room. He rolled his eyes when he realized that Kanda had merely leaned Mugen against the wall near the headboard. He shook his head slightly, feathering his longer bangs over his eyes to hid them incase Kanda caught him staring again. That wouldn't do, since the set of the older man's shoulders betrayed how on edge he was already. Kanda had his shoulders almost hunched in, almost imperceptible to anyone who didn't make a habit out of trying to socialize the unwilling swordsman- or any of their small group. Lavi never noticed anything unless he could twist it to his benefit; but it seemed like he went out of his way to annoy the hell out of Kanda. They had known each other for a fairly long time, which might explain why Kanda put up with the lighter of Lavi's schemes. There was a line to it, though, and Lavi tended to cross it every few days. Allen snorted softly, he had no idea how the redhead was even still alive after half of what he'd pulled.

"Tch…." Kanda growled softly to himself, resting his hands on his hips and tilting his head to the side slightly as he regarded his possessions. Satisfied that everything was where he wanted it, he deftly pulled his long-sleeved shirt off, intending to change into a sleeveless shirt that he usually slept in- to keep from overheating. People generally referred to him as a cold person with a heart of ice, but it was just his personality that was so cold. He almost wished he was one of the people who needed to wear a ridiculous number of layers in winter, rather than waking up with just a sheet on and still feel like he was inside an oven. Kanda rolled his eyes, sparing a glance down at the tattoo that covered the left side of his chest. He made a noise of quiet contentment, pleased that everything looked alright; despite how much he had used that to stay alive. He leaned over, intending to dig through his bag to locate his shirt when he caught Allen's eye briefly, before the younger jerked his head away to stare at the ceiling. Kanda scowled, hiding his confusion behind anger as was his usual method. He had no idea why it looked like Allen was blushing, and he decided that it didn't really matter so long as the other kept his thoughts to himself. Kanda warned the boy time and time again, he did not care to hear the troubles of another, and he would not help him anyway. Or so he tried to tell himself.

Allen snuck a peek at the swordsman, eyeing the tips of the black tattoo that peeked over his shoulder, the way muscles moved easily under pale skin… Allen decided that it wasn't fair that Kanda was as pretty as he was and with a perfect hunter's body; built from years of swordsmanship and hard fighting.

"Why are you staring at me?" Kanda snapped, and Allen jumped with a startled squeak. Chagrined silver eyes met annoyed and confused cobalt before looking away. "Moyashi? Answer me."

"Nope. You never answer me." Allen replied, rolling to put his back to Kanda. An irritated frown pulled Kanda's eyebrows down and narrowed his eyes as he jerked his shirt on. _That was not normal._ Allen always answered him, usually with some manner of smartass reply or another question Kanda would then ignore, never an outright evasion like that. And the way the other's ears were a burning shade of red…. _What the hell is going on in that mind of his?_ Kanda wondered, staring at the back of Allen's head. There was obviously something about him that bothered the other, and it was clearly more than Kanda's personality. That displeasure had been expressed more times than Kanda cared to count.

The sting of hurt that lanced through Kanda's chest took him by surprise at the thought that Allen might genuinely dislike him, since when did he _care_ what the kid thought? Kanda dove into his covers, snapping off the light on his side of the room along the way, and dragging his blanket up over his head. He was starting to get an idea about several things, and he wished that this particular epiphany had waited to make itself known. As in, forever.

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><p><em><strong>AN I'm not sure how my update schedule is going to be for a while. I'm trying to get to a point where I can lengthen the chapters a bit more- it stings my pride that these are under my self-imposed minimum of 3,000 words. Blah. Thanks for reading! **_


	3. Chapter 3: Twisted

**Stiiill don't own DGM.**

Hours had passed since the room had fallen silent and the moon was illuminating parts of it with a cold light. Allen had fallen asleep a while after Kanda had, turning things over in his mind until he had passed out- never knowing exactly when sleep had taken control. While Allen slept quietly, Kanda was restless. He was deep asleep, but tossing and turning with an occasional muttered phrase and changing facial expressions. Nightmares gripped people on a regular basis, usually nonsensical and fantastic in the content, but for Kanda nightmares were memories- memories that the subconscious twisted and warped from the 'what had been' with the swordsman deepest fears and most irrational feelings.

_"__Why can't you leave me alone!" Kanda's voice broke halfway through, even as he averted his eyes from the boy staring at him with cold eyes._

_"__Why can't __**you**__ admit anything to yourself?" The other snapped back, arms crossing over his chest. Kanda glared at him, eyes burning with welling tears. He couldn't admit anything consciously, because he already knew that the anger and pain that would follow could leave him as someone he never wanted to be. A snort drew the swordsman's eyes to the other's face. Kanda wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion at the smile the other showed, though the warmth never touched his eyes. "Oh, so you did admit it. Even though you refuse to acknowledge as much." _

_"__Stop toying with me! Is this your revenge, then? To never allow me peace, until I fix what's wrong?" Kanda shot back, fury hardening his voice, stopping the tremors. "Or won't you be satisfied until I'm dead, too?" The other's features darkened at that, until he looked more deadly and angry than Kanda could ever recall. Fear lanced through the swordsman's heart, turning his blood to ice._

_"__What if I said I would never rest, and never let __**you**__ rest until I killed you with my own hands? What would you do then, Kanda? Would you kill me, yourself?" He spat back, every word laced with venom. "Maybe I don't want you to live a life in any form of happiness. Maybe I don't want you to ever be capable of being loved again, or loving again. What, did that hurt you? You? The high-and-mighty Kanda? Please, your heart is as cold as the steel of your blade. Tell me, darling, did you cry when I died? Or were you relieved, since I was __**such**__ a bother to you!" Kanda flinched and drew in a startled breath. His one-time friend opened his mouth to continue-_

"KANDA!" He jerked awake, instinctively reaching for Mugen, blurry eyes trying desperately to focus in the near-dark. When he could see a little better, but no clearer, he could see silver hair glinting in moonlight, wide grey eyes that looked terrified. Kanda dropped the hand that was trying to find his sword, realizing that he was breathless and shaking. Allen looked like he was torn between having a panic attack and trying to find a doctor.

"What, Allen." Kanda tried to sound like normal, like he was angry at being woken, but his voice was unsteady and trembling. He drew in a shuddering breath, trying to calm down. He had had _much_ worse nightmares than just verbal abuse, so much worse. He scowled and dropped his eyes from concerned grey, furious that he had allowed a slip-up of this magnitude to happen around someone else. He had never wanted anyone to find out about these dreams, Allen least of all. While others might be worried, they feared him enough to keep their mouths shut. Allen? No, that one didn't fear Kanda _enough_, as far as the swordsman was concerned. It didn't help that he behaved too similar to that old friend….

"Kanda, you were crying. Don't you even try to pretend you're fine." Allen's eyes narrowed, and he watched as Kanda stiffened and slowly touched his own face; staring at his damp fingers like they didn't belong to him. "Just what the hell were you dreaming about? I thought you were having a fit or something! You kept flinching like you'd been shot." Kanda growled, trying to find the energy to pretend to be angry. He deadened his expression and met Allen's eyes with hollow cobalt.

"It doesn't matter to you." His voice was wrong, too, dead. "Stop trying to get close to me, Allen. You'll regret it." He turned away again, eyes slowly closing. Hopefully Allen would leave him alone now, and go sulk for the rest of the night. Kanda hoped without really putting any faith into it. Allen was more stubborn than anyone else he had met, save one.

"You've already given me plenty of reasons to regret trying, stupid." Allen levelled back, resisting the urge to slap the older Exorcist. From the way Kanda's head snapped back to glare at him, it seemed like he may as well have.

"You know nothing." Kanda breathed quietly, sounding more deadly than when he was yelling. "You know nothing of what horrors lurk around me." Cobalt stared into grey, unblinking. Kanda was trying to think of the right words to say, words that would hurt the boy's feelings enough that he would stay back. Kanda knew that his old friend was gone, but the words from his nightmare still echoed in his mind, and he feared them somehow coming true. He didn't think that his heart could take the loss of another friend and still function right. Kanda knew as well as any other that Death could be around the next doorframe. Unlike the rest, he fought against that inevitability by forming loose bonds with others, though he preferred to have none. Allen had, somehow, gotten much closer than a loose tie, and Kanda was inwardly scared of that. Scared at the power the other held over him, strong enough that he'd nearly killed himself to keep the other alive more than once. That was a bond more than 'coworker,' more than 'friend.' Kanda wouldn't die for a friend, even if he'd do everything possible to keep them living. He wasn't that noble, he had a bigger agenda. So then, if he _had_ nearly died for Allen, what did that make the boy to him? Could he just pass it off as a use for the orb in his heart, a reason behind that tattoo? Could he pass it off as a duty because he could heal from what others could not? Kanda wasn't known for thinking things through, but that just sounded stupid even to him.

"I can't know anything if you don't tell me." Allen dropped onto the floor, sighing. He ran a hand through his hair, wishing that he could just stop caring about the cold-appearing swordsman, but knowing that it was hopeless. That coldness had pissed him off at first, until he had come to realize that it was a defense to try to protect a gentle heart. One that was more fragile than he had guessed, it appeared, because Kanda had been scared during that nightmare. Allen frowned at the memory of Kanda crying in his sleep, begging his internal tormentor to stop. While Allen didn't know what had transpired, nor what lurked in the darkness of Kanda's past to elicit such a dream, he wanted to know. Even though it would be painful and dark, he wanted to know. Allen sighed again, wondering just what it would take for Kanda to realize that he couldn't be gotten rid of so easily, that he wasn't shallow enough to only pretend to be friends with someone. That their tie was so weak that a lie and a blank glare could turn him away.

"I don't want to tell you." Kanda whispered back, turning to stare at the wall beside him. Allen started, unsure of whether or not he was meant to hear that. Kanda murmured something else, too quiet for Allen to hear. _You're too close to me already._

The younger Exorcist pretended to not have heard, since it was so out of character for the swordsman to say anything like that. An almost awkward silence descended on the room, the only noises where the slight rustle of fabrics when one of them would shift their position a little and the soft shush of wind outside. Kanda's breathing had long lost any hint of irregularity and he stared blankly at a patch of moonlight on the floor. If he looked at it just right, it almost looked like there was a flower in it. _Okay, that's enough of thinking down that track. I don't feel like hallucinating right here and now._ Kanda slowly closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath. He held it. And let it out just as slowly. He repeated the pattern, trying to center himself and find a sense of calm. Behind his closed eyes, he could see _her_. But, as always, he couldn't see her clearly. It was like looking up at someone standing over you when the sun was at high noon. She was all warmth and light and peacefulness. Kanda roughly shook his head. That wasn't him, that wasn't the memories of Yuu Kanda. The other man in his head, the broken one, quieted with a soft moan of pain, the vision of her gone in a sea of blood and flickering explosions and bone-shattering pain.

Kanda opened his eyes, eyebrows drawn tight in repressed anger and pain, and looked straight into the worried eyes of Allen. Kanda's eyes widened in shock before he forced his expression to smooth out. He wished he was drunk because he could pass this all off on that. Wait, no, he couldn't get drunk. But did Allen know that? Fuck, he couldn't remember what Allen knew about his regenerative ability and he wasn't curious (or masochistic enough) to try to find out. He wanted to tell Allen everything. That was dangerous. Very, very few knew of the Second Exorcist project. Kanda knew that the younger viewed the Order as a family to him and the swordsman was reluctant to break that perfect vision. Allen could be unpredictable and the last thing Kanda wanted was for him to try to confront anyone over what had been done to Kanda. Done to Alma…. Alma had suffered the worst.

"Quit staring at me." Kanda snapped, all of his old ire back in his dark eyes. Allen sighed. He had the feeling that he had almost gotten to the root of Kanda's problem.

"Then stop acting like you're going to explode. You remind me of Lavi when that one woman completely ignored him and his fascination with her." Allen paused. Kanda internally groaned, he could almost _see_ the proverbial light bulb going off.

"No."

"I haven't said anything yet!"  
>"You were going to and it was going to be stupid. And wrong."<br>"How would you know if I haven't said it yet?"

"It's you." Kanda rolled his eyes. He had no intention of listening to whatever cock-and-bull notion Allen had this time. He dropped heavily on his side, hissing softly at the pain from his bad shoulder, and stared at the wall again. He was willing Allen to go back to bed and leave him to his own silent misery. He closed his eyes when Allen started talking again. He never could leave well enough alone.

"You know, you're acting like you're lovesick. In addition to the usual Ice Prince attitude to try to make people dislike you. What'd you do, end up falling for someone?" Allen was halfway teasing and halfway serious. He wasn't sure what answer would annoy him more, yes or no. Yes would mean someone else got under Kanda's skin and no would be so boring.

"Excuse me?" Kanda's voice was deathly calm and very quiet. Allen hid a wince. _Okay, not a smart track to take._ "Where in the hell did you get that idea? Do I look like the kind of person who associates with anyone when I'm not forced to?"

"I don't stalk you, so there's plenty of time outside missions, the infirmary, meals, and training." Allen replied shortly, crossing his arms. He set sail on this ship, might as well see if it sinks or not. "You never get overly mad at Lenalee. Miranda's too timid for your temper, but I've seen Lenalee hit you more than once and you didn't do anything other than scowl at the wall."

"For the love of God, are you insane? Only Lavi would be stupid enough to try and date her! Komui would engineer something to kill whoever tried and, much as you haven't seen to notice, I'm not trying to die." _Yet._ He added silently to himself. "I don't cause needless violence unless provoked and I was raised not to hit girls. Unless they've got a machine coming out of their face and are trying to kill me." Tiedoll would have had a fit if Kanda allowed his temper to rule him in everything. He'd probably want to have a 'fatherly chat' and those were uncomfortable, embarrassing, and horrifying. Kanda had dealt with three in his time under the General and wanted to suffer no more.

"So maybe you like guys." Allen laughed at him. Kanda's expression was caught somewhere between disgust, horror, shock, embarrassment, and angry. It was a funny look and not one Allen had ever seen on his face before. "Don't let your face freeze like that."

"Oh my God, shut up! You spout ideas that get increasingly more stupid the longer your mouth is open!" Kanda finally found his voice. His hands had curled into fists and his face was slightly red where it wasn't pale. "If you even follow that train of thought, I'll run you through. Or maybe you'd like to have your arm fixed by Komui again?" It wasn't a question as much as it was an open threat. Everyone had heard Allen's horrified screams that first day he'd been at the Order. Predictably, Allen scowled.

"Don't touch my arm." He sounded vaguely threatening.

"Then stop poking at my pride." Kanda answered, laying himself back down and closing his eyes. He was hoping this was just some kind of stupid dream he would wake up from and could pretend didn't happen. He heard the soft scuff as Allen got off the floor and crossed the room. He couldn't see the slight smile on the other's face when he dropped into his own bed.

"Good to hear that you're feeling yourself again." Allen rolled so he had his back to the room and yawned. He wasn't much of a late night person unless there was a reason to be. He fell asleep quickly, smirking and mulling over the tiny bits of information he had picked up from what Kanda hadn't said, as much as what he had. Needling the swordsman had proved useful. In addition to getting him to relax from whatever nightmare he had been trapped in. Allen was a little smug.

Across the room, Kanda growled slightly. The little idiot was right. He did feel better, even if he felt annoyed. Kanda rubbed his forehead and sighed. He had the nasty feeling that this conversation wasn't over. Allen was like a bloodhound on a trail sometimes and he wouldn't stop until he got his answers- one way or another. Kanda would have to watch himself more carefully than ever so he didn't give anything away.


End file.
